Intimacy

My Pastor asked us a few days ago if we were in a” Physical” relationship with God or were we “Intimate.” I’ve been thinking about this since and have decided to be honest with myself, I don’t really know the meaning of Intimacy. I know it’s defined as “ a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship"...well from as far back as I can remember being truly close to anyone is a big problem for me.

Closeness, giving yourself fully to someone, trusting with all you have; are things that make the sirens go off in my ears and flash the red light at my pupils. I stop. I’ve stopped in my human relationships and I’ve stopped in my relationship with God. This could be because of knowing that pain is real or maybe knowing how unprotected it feels to truly be intimate--To feel that sense of falling with nothing to grab on to; or maybe that release of energy that bleeds out of you. Wait, from those words it seems like I know how it feels. Well I am familiar with these waves of intimacy but not a steady intimacy that is lasting and ever-flowing.

To get lost in something/someone is a major leap of faith (do you remember that “trust” game we played as kids where you would fall back and hoped that the other person catches you? Yeah, that feeling right before the person catches or drops you…smh). It requires so much exposure and confidence, not only in that person, but in you too. To tell yourself that you are so loved and so adored that there is no way that person would let you go, that you are so cherished that you will always be cared for. That is a boldness that I don’t think I feel daily. I wouldn’t want to put that much pressure on a person either, but what about God? I know God is the creator of all things and that we are loved as part of His creation. I’m confident in knowing that God will never leave me. So if this is the case why am I not willing to be intimate with God?

This is something I can’t answer right now but I know it is something I will ask myself every day until maybe one day I realize that I’ve started being intimate and didn’t even know it. I want to feel totally secure in my life, decisions and beliefs and in order to do that God has to be my “Lover”.  I want to love God, need God and want God intimately and walk in confidence knowing that God is in Love with me.

(to be continued…)

Morning

I woke up to the smell of heat. Not overwhelming heat but an aroma letting me know that the sun was out, the birds were awake and morning had come. The smell of the trees and the heat took me back to a place the feels so familiar but that I can’t fully recall. As my fingers glide overs theses keys and the subtle breeze passes thru the window gate I am floating back to…where? Back to a place I was but I wasn’t. I see a smaller me; a dark, quiet girl, serious and unsure. I see a girl whose demeanor is like an egg that was meant to be boiled but taken out of the water to soon. The shell looks hard and ready but one touch and the contents will come oozing out. I see dirt and grime mixed into the beauty of the trees, the sun and the air. I see me…sitting on the steps of the brownstone, book in hand, not knowing what to do with my time but knowing what I wanted to avoid. I see me there and not there.

As the sun warms my face in 2011 I struggle to find those moments of long and talk to that little lost girl. I know she lives inside me and is angry, alone, confused and scared but I need to help her grow and heal so that we can go forward as one. This journey is intense, scary and revealing because I can no longer recall all that this child has seen or felt and I’m told I’ll have to experience it “again” in order for her to find peace. As I travel along this journey I’m praying that this shell does not crack, that I’ve been left in the water long enough not to shatter when I encounter the realities of the past.